Lost somewhere in the daily deluge of COVID-19 coverage, you can find lesser-known, but still important stories of social interest. Some deserve more light than others. If my blog is to accomplish anything, it is to shine a light in dark recesses where the vulnerable have been hiding. We need a new lens through which to view many of these topics.
Generally, mutual respect wanes on life-support. People call names and hurl insults at even the slightest of sleights. Some internet threads host the most inane of the insane.
Bullying has been around since Jacob and Esau. Some of us have learned to accept it as a fact of life, while for others that seems impossible. Tactics like we see on Facebook are old and futile. They are a reflection of the bully rather than the oppressed. Once you see it in that light, it becomes somewhat easier to shrug it off as someone insecure in their own abilities who feels compelled to make up for it by putting others lower than they view themselves.
Still, bullies inflict pain in numerous ways. Oftentimes, abusers use intimidation and fear to their advantage. Manipulation and gaslighting are more sophisticated, but still transparent means. Blaming someone else for their own misfortune, or attempting to keep them down by passing more useless regulation is one of these tactics.
This brings me back to the issue of common respect. Much has been made of transgender issues in today’s society. Whether for or against certain protections for these people, most of us can come to a separate conclusion. Agree or disagree with the plight and reality of transgender issues, bullying goes against our better nature.
One form of gaslighting doesn’t receive nearly enough attention and it is more pervasive than simple name-calling. Failure to use a person’s preferred address is a subtle way to cause pain. When I was in school, people would often middle-name me to poke fun. They knew how much I hated it, so they did it more frequently. Much like you wouldn’t refer to your Aunt Edna as Captain Jack, you wouldn’t address the queen of England as “Your Worshipfulness.” It comes down to courtesy.
Transgender people prefer a diverse array of pronouns to address them. You will note that I have frequently used ‘they’ and ‘them’ in this post as opposed to the more commonly accepted ‘him’ or ‘her.’ The use of pronouns can be both tricky and friendly. Still, issues of common sense arise. Referring to a transgender man as ‘him’ seems simple enough, even if you happen to know that man is transgender. Some transgender people prefer neutral pronounce such as ‘they’ or ‘them’ and that’s where confusion sets in. It should come as no surprise when I tell you that I am a student of the English language. Number and gender confusion in written communication is a cardinal sin. Consider this sentence: Would you tell Ellie that they are being obtuse? Who are we referring to with that pronoun? The board of directors? The government? The lizard people?
Using a transgender person’s preferred pronouns shouldn’t be a difficult proposition, but when we find ourselves having to go out of our way to hack our language to bits in efforts to satiate them, we make life more difficult for ourselves.
A general rule of thumb might come in handy here. When addressing someone directly, you can’t go wrong with ‘you.’ It is universal. When talking about that person within earshot of them, use the preferred pronoun with some emphasis or gesture to communicate that you are referring to that person. When talking about that person behind their backs, which you really shouldn’t do in the first place, it seems acceptable to use ‘he’ or ‘she.’
As an aside, I do not believe I know any who is transgender, so I don’t consider myself an expert on how such a person feels about this topic. If you, the loyal reader are transgender or close to a transgender person and feel that I am wrong, please correct me. I promise I won’t dig in and continue to be wrong.
I am a big believer in being kind and have learned more ways of doing so through my own experiences. Some people I know may scoff when they read that last sentence. I have been known to enjoy a little well-intentioned teasing every now and then, but I try to balance that by being genuine and caring.
Being transgender may be a choice, but harassing them for it is also a choice. One is no better than the other. Let us all be kind.